The Quenya Ban - a redonkulous shortfic

[sauronnaise]

Valinor, Sixth Age

Thingol closed his computer. He was smug. Today, he had done a great thing.

“Why do you look smug?” asked Melian. While she couldn’t break the fourth wall, unlike the author who thinks he’s terribly clever, she could point out the obvious.

“My dear,” replied Thingol, proud of himself, “today, I have done a great thing.”

“But you didn’t vacuum like you told me you would,” retorted Melian.


She hated vacuuming. She preferred to polish cutlery. So, by virtue of not vacuuming today like he said he would, Thingol could not have accomplished anything great. Of course, being the monarchs of New Doriath in Valinor, Melian and Thingol were rich enough to afford housekeepers to take care of chores. Only, Melian refused. She preferred it the old way when Sindar would dress according to their social rank. Such things were irrelevant in Valinor because Mannish fashion was imported from Middle Earth. Everyone loved to wear trousers. It was better than long skirts with embroidery that indicated where on the social ladder people belonged. Melian could never fathom someone in jeans passing the vacuum in her house. Thingol never wore trousers nor jeans when he vacuumed. He favoured sweatpants which, to Melian, was more dignified.

“No,” conceded Thingol, “but I did even better than that. I removed Quenya from our social media and platforms on internet!”

His wife frowned. “I thought you were over the Quenya ban.”

Thingol shook a finger in front of her face. “No, no, no,” he repeated. “These High Elves must know their place. They rely on foreign websites too much. It’s not my fault they can’t replicate the genius of my kin… If Dwarves and Men use their own media, why can’t the High Elves? Surely, they’re good at something other than mining.”

Melian pulled a face. She did not believe Noldor were good at something that didn’t involve rocks, mining or metals. She pitied them. “What about the Light Elves?” she asked. “They use Quenya, too.”

Thingol looked at the Maia like she was stupid. “Really? The Light Elves? They may be stuck in the Fifth Age with their crappy dial-in internet, but they sure know how to learn other languages! Besides, they speak Quendya, which deserves to be recognised as its own language.” Seeing that his beloved shook her head, Thingol added: “Okay, I lied earlier. I’m in no way that evil. I banned Quenya from one platform only. Valinor Match and its adjacent gossip forums. The most used site and app of Valinor. I hope it works.”

Melian decided she didn’t want to hear any more for the time being.

Thus ends this story because the author is stuck and wants to be done.

Can be found on AO3.